euphoria

actually, I wasn't under the impression that I would be putting much on this blog. .

these days, back home. .

life consist of the following: school, work, sleep, school, work, sleep or even sleep, work, school 

somewhere along these lines comes work2 (which is actually, work1 in my mind) = blogging, blogging (as of this moment) and YouTube as a whole. 

interchangeable, yes. . 

I have a very, very nice job at this time. . one that most people would be beyond capability of expressing their gratitude towards.

I still haven't the slightest clue why of all people, I managed to get the job but it's allowed me to make the trip to Seoul and Tokyo (As i'm writing this, I'm waiting for my clothes to dry + finishing the final moments of packing to check out tomorrow morning. . then back to the a favorite spot of mine to live in once again, Ikebukuro.) 

right now, I've got the time to write based on whatever thoughts come forth in my head. .

there isn't any "stress" in this moment at all, since I've been on vacation in Japan.

i lost a "friend" in seoul during my trip there (not my native friend, we still get along very well and finished off my trip well. . there was a spot that specializes in Jeju Matcha Green Tea we went to as my last "meal" though it was really dessert, it was thoughtful)

that "friend" didn't take our advice as we all began to suffer around the month staying in Seoul, including that former "friend"

I'll call this individual X1 for privacy reasons, if that's fine.

X1 had a lot of money, easily more than the both of us through an unfortunate series of an events. . to fill the void, X1 continued to buy and spend recklessly, I suppose.

Thousands. . spent on unnecessary and materialistic items, most of which is probably thrown out considering X1 has no room for it in the US, under the 'rules' set by the "living w/ grandparents" guidelines.

X1 complained every single day, and then began to lose money until there was none at all. . Three days before my leave, I stayed over my native friend's place to avoid any further complications.

The atmosphere was diabolical, you couldn't even manage, but i'll give you a sample: Imagine hearing this in a joking manner daily, only to be followed with "honestly, I'm not even joking. . at this point" the statement. . "I'm going to just kill myself. . I should just jump off the Han River. . I should jump in front of the subway or even a car"

Can you imagine? That's only a sample of the actual case, just a pinch of salt in the main "dish", if you will.

But, X1 didn't grow humble from losing all that money and going "broke" which was the most disappointing factor of it all.

X1 demanded to live without problems and denied the options of going to school for a degree or even working fast food or retail. .

What was there left?

nothing.

My native friend and I (though, much more me considering he didn't live with X1) spent enough hours to be considered days during my month stay in Seoul. Going out at 2:00 AM till the following afternoon just to consult X1 and give genuine, caring life advice and steps to follow to avoid: depression, self destruction of character, anxiety, stress, etc. 

nobody has a perfect life, sorry. . even you, reading this blog entry

no matter how "perfect" any life is. . that isn't the case within reality. 

X1 began to demand our help and ridicule our characters, cursing and vulgar words for the loss of all that money recklessly spent. . one could even say, foolishly spent.

And that was it, three days before my flight to Japan. . My friend had enough, he blocked her in all forms of social media.

Honestly, I didn't know this would be his intention. . I thought, why? (After being woken up by X1 telling me that was the case) 

But, I received a message from him casually asking what I'm up to. . 

It didn't add up, in fact. . If anything, I couldn't quite understand the gravity of the situation. I asked to eat dinner later (alone) and what was discussed their explained it all. 

He had reached his limit, and wisely decided to cut ties. 

However, due to the circumstances I was under. . And my intention wishing the best for X1 despite the inevitable coming forth, I continued peacefully until the last day. . 

Before I left to the airport, I saw X1 one last time and said, "focus on making the money from the job (her former friend) he got you. Do not do anything recklessly and lose the idea of searching for a "sugar daddy", that is just the easy way out. . Do well and head back to the US, apologize to your family there you so badly treated and ridiculed. Apologize on your knees if you must (the wounds are very deep), and live earnestly. I'll see you later, maybe. . If i'm not gone by then.) 

note: I was packing but X1 was making trips back and forth to drop off (his/her) stuff at another place to stay. 

That was it. . I felt remorse, guilt. . And at the same time, I felt nothing. . 

Everything and anything, but nothing and nothingness as well. 

In my heart all I could do was with (him/her) the very best, and hope all works out well for X1 in the end. . Even till this moment, as (he/she) was once a "friend" 

I didn't cut my ties until after leaving Haneda airport and getting to my first Airbnb. . I couldn't enjoy this trip in the slightest if I continued to mend anything. . I had already attempted to do so since last year. 

So here I am, sitting on the couch of this very spacious Airbnb that is meant to fit "7 people" (though realistically, perhaps just 4 at the most. 

I've been listening to async (ryuichi sakamoto) "andata", click here if you would like to hear it too. 

I've loved his pieces since the moment that I ever discovered them. . So much felt "real" to me, enough to reach the inner threads of my body. 

But, this particular piece. . 

explains it all, I find that in this piece alone. . I have the answer to it all, everything. 

to simple "ask" the question, and receive it through this piece. . 

perhaps that doesn't make sense, but this is me we're speaking in regards of. . 

I find every emotion that could possibly exist fused throughout the piece, eventually leading to this feeling of euphoria. .

I am so at peace right now, there's no means of explaining anything. .

it is not the feeling/emotions one must worry about, there is existence beyond the two. .

i've come to realize that finding love is the first mistake, that isn't what is meant. . at least, I can only speak on behalf of myself.

if it comes, it will. .

but, if that is not the case. .

then, the answer is simple (what do you do?): live. 

there is meaning in the blog post, everywhere. . deep, thoughtful ideas that can change the way you think. . 

granted, if you are looking for that. . 

otherwise, these are just hollow words and nothing but a boy writing, once again. . 

instead of going into further detail of my feelings towards these events, please listen to attached link . . that's where those answers lie.