jonghyun

I can't believe it, I still don't want to in the slightest.

I didn't know how to feel hearing news about this around 3:30 AM when my friend in Seoul sent me a message about your passing.

I denied it, immediately. .

No.
No.
No. .

That's impossible.

But, my dear friend insisted that it was true. .

Though tired at first, upon reading that message I felt more energy flow through me then anything I've ever experienced.

A surge that allowed me to quickly close the message chat, check online and all those k-articles on my news feed.

"Police have discovered Jonghyun. ."

impossible. 

impossible. 

that can't be true, no. . 

I messaged my friend back and disbelief and noticed so many comments of people saying "this is fake, it is not true. ."

I laid there on my bed and prayed for your passing and loved ones, I couldn't believe it and yet there I was with my heart pouring out of me.

For the first time in perhaps more than a decade, I felt something drip from both of my eyes.

I told my friend that I should rest and just try to hope for the best, perhaps by some chance. . By a miracle, you would be fine? (At this point I acknowledged what happened, but just wished with all my being that he was still here with us all.)

My phone died and I woke up looking for a charger immediately, going to check my news feed and seeing a mass of articles about you.

Everything happened at that moment, I read every article there is and just kept going, even re-reading some areas.

I was quiet on the couch, huddled in a blanket and couldn't help but not make a move, I felt like for various moments that I had forgotten to even breathe.

I was sad a majority of this time, telling my friend about how I was so sad and that I wish their was something I could of done for you.

That I owed you, for being there for me during dark times, but that I cannot fulfill that wish to thank you in person anymore.

I am not famous (obviously) and to this moment, I'm not sure how I would of made that happen. . But, I knew that I would make it happen regardless. 

A proper thanks, that's all I wanted to say to you, at the very least.

A mixture of sadness and anger just swooned over me, but a very silent anger at that.

I hadn't felt these things in a very, very long time. . They had become foreign to me and with these type of feelings resurfacing all at once, as well being numb the whole time. .

I couldn't understand what was going on, I felt like ripping my skin from the inside-out.

The sadness of course came from mourning, and the fact that you weren't made aware of your talent properly and your selflessness.

The anger was strange, I don't know what exactly there was to be mad at, certainly not at you.

Myself? The world? etc, etc.

I spoke to someone on the phone after receiving a call and I couldn't help but find myself gasping for air, I couldn't even speak.

Tears fell uncontrollably, it all hit me at once and I had to let it out.

My friend overseas was worried and calmed me down, reminded me to breathe a bit and just relax.

It wasn't that I was acting out, I was very quiet but my mind felt so heavy. .

This is my dilemma, from human-to-human, I have the highest respect for you and have always looked up to you since I started listening to SHINee in middle school. You helped me through so much, I bought your 1st album and put the poster on my wall. . 

I can't continue to write this, as I'm watching fans all over reacting on YouTube and various videos.
I am sorry, I will wrap up my thoughts without dragging this out. 

thank you so, so much Jonghyun. 

for everything, may your selflessness and talent be remembered forever. 

You will always be my role model, always. 

- - - - - - -

I believe this experience has opened my eyes to many, many things. . 

And for that, I am in a debt far greater than I ever imagined to you. 

I hope you know this or that one day I can tell you this face-to-face. 

truth

even when you discover it, sometimes, isn't factual.

trouble maker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Xx4ywAIHnk

wishing upon a star, please let the two grace us with a comeback soon

i haven't forgotten, nor will i ever. .

the two albums have always been in my car, and with that the songs of each album that have kept me in a daze for so long

pssst. . i went to hyuna's solo concert in SF earlier this year and spoke to her with the little korean that i knew. . I brought the original Trouble Maker album and told her it was my "favorite" 

she replied. . 


well, we'll see this story for another time (though not much of a story, she replied with one graceful and sympathetic response) 

invisible

but, you're not
so slick, so you thought

it's funny because even those who choose to dislike me for whatever reason (though, it's fine), still happen to follow my life. . lol

sorry but the e-mail notification to you subscribing to my YouTube channel doesn't lie, perhaps by accident or not but that number count hasn't shifted since. .

so. . intentional?

well, of course. . how could one "Accidentally" subscribe to a YouTuber such a myself with a near-to-nothing following

let's just be honest, whether the world or even at my work place that is dependent on obtaining sales. . there will continue to be those who dislike me, though envious or at least in the impression they give off.

if in fact you're "so over" me, then why is it you continue to utter my name upon your lips. .

at any rate, do as you must, but unfortunately I cannot wait for others to enjoy reminiscing in their idea of a "joke"

all of your focus is placed on me, therefore all that attention garnered is surrounding me. .

though, invisible all the same as you would of never guessed

gone before you could of even had a chance to try and crack through my barrier

however, did you know. .

that can't be broken by such that is those who've fallen under the seven sins

hoping you find the grace of a free and peaceful mind,

see you (never) soon

sight

if you thought i was referring to the eyes, actually. . no

clear as day

in actuality, quite blind 

euphoria

actually, I wasn't under the impression that I would be putting much on this blog. .

these days, back home. .

life consist of the following: school, work, sleep, school, work, sleep or even sleep, work, school 

somewhere along these lines comes work2 (which is actually, work1 in my mind) = blogging, blogging (as of this moment) and YouTube as a whole. 

interchangeable, yes. . 

I have a very, very nice job at this time. . one that most people would be beyond capability of expressing their gratitude towards.

I still haven't the slightest clue why of all people, I managed to get the job but it's allowed me to make the trip to Seoul and Tokyo (As i'm writing this, I'm waiting for my clothes to dry + finishing the final moments of packing to check out tomorrow morning. . then back to the a favorite spot of mine to live in once again, Ikebukuro.) 

right now, I've got the time to write based on whatever thoughts come forth in my head. .

there isn't any "stress" in this moment at all, since I've been on vacation in Japan.

i lost a "friend" in seoul during my trip there (not my native friend, we still get along very well and finished off my trip well. . there was a spot that specializes in Jeju Matcha Green Tea we went to as my last "meal" though it was really dessert, it was thoughtful)

that "friend" didn't take our advice as we all began to suffer around the month staying in Seoul, including that former "friend"

I'll call this individual X1 for privacy reasons, if that's fine.

X1 had a lot of money, easily more than the both of us through an unfortunate series of an events. . to fill the void, X1 continued to buy and spend recklessly, I suppose.

Thousands. . spent on unnecessary and materialistic items, most of which is probably thrown out considering X1 has no room for it in the US, under the 'rules' set by the "living w/ grandparents" guidelines.

X1 complained every single day, and then began to lose money until there was none at all. . Three days before my leave, I stayed over my native friend's place to avoid any further complications.

The atmosphere was diabolical, you couldn't even manage, but i'll give you a sample: Imagine hearing this in a joking manner daily, only to be followed with "honestly, I'm not even joking. . at this point" the statement. . "I'm going to just kill myself. . I should just jump off the Han River. . I should jump in front of the subway or even a car"

Can you imagine? That's only a sample of the actual case, just a pinch of salt in the main "dish", if you will.

But, X1 didn't grow humble from losing all that money and going "broke" which was the most disappointing factor of it all.

X1 demanded to live without problems and denied the options of going to school for a degree or even working fast food or retail. .

What was there left?

nothing.

My native friend and I (though, much more me considering he didn't live with X1) spent enough hours to be considered days during my month stay in Seoul. Going out at 2:00 AM till the following afternoon just to consult X1 and give genuine, caring life advice and steps to follow to avoid: depression, self destruction of character, anxiety, stress, etc. 

nobody has a perfect life, sorry. . even you, reading this blog entry

no matter how "perfect" any life is. . that isn't the case within reality. 

X1 began to demand our help and ridicule our characters, cursing and vulgar words for the loss of all that money recklessly spent. . one could even say, foolishly spent.

And that was it, three days before my flight to Japan. . My friend had enough, he blocked her in all forms of social media.

Honestly, I didn't know this would be his intention. . I thought, why? (After being woken up by X1 telling me that was the case) 

But, I received a message from him casually asking what I'm up to. . 

It didn't add up, in fact. . If anything, I couldn't quite understand the gravity of the situation. I asked to eat dinner later (alone) and what was discussed their explained it all. 

He had reached his limit, and wisely decided to cut ties. 

However, due to the circumstances I was under. . And my intention wishing the best for X1 despite the inevitable coming forth, I continued peacefully until the last day. . 

Before I left to the airport, I saw X1 one last time and said, "focus on making the money from the job (her former friend) he got you. Do not do anything recklessly and lose the idea of searching for a "sugar daddy", that is just the easy way out. . Do well and head back to the US, apologize to your family there you so badly treated and ridiculed. Apologize on your knees if you must (the wounds are very deep), and live earnestly. I'll see you later, maybe. . If i'm not gone by then.) 

note: I was packing but X1 was making trips back and forth to drop off (his/her) stuff at another place to stay. 

That was it. . I felt remorse, guilt. . And at the same time, I felt nothing. . 

Everything and anything, but nothing and nothingness as well. 

In my heart all I could do was with (him/her) the very best, and hope all works out well for X1 in the end. . Even till this moment, as (he/she) was once a "friend" 

I didn't cut my ties until after leaving Haneda airport and getting to my first Airbnb. . I couldn't enjoy this trip in the slightest if I continued to mend anything. . I had already attempted to do so since last year. 

So here I am, sitting on the couch of this very spacious Airbnb that is meant to fit "7 people" (though realistically, perhaps just 4 at the most. 

I've been listening to async (ryuichi sakamoto) "andata", click here if you would like to hear it too. 

I've loved his pieces since the moment that I ever discovered them. . So much felt "real" to me, enough to reach the inner threads of my body. 

But, this particular piece. . 

explains it all, I find that in this piece alone. . I have the answer to it all, everything. 

to simple "ask" the question, and receive it through this piece. . 

perhaps that doesn't make sense, but this is me we're speaking in regards of. . 

I find every emotion that could possibly exist fused throughout the piece, eventually leading to this feeling of euphoria. .

I am so at peace right now, there's no means of explaining anything. .

it is not the feeling/emotions one must worry about, there is existence beyond the two. .

i've come to realize that finding love is the first mistake, that isn't what is meant. . at least, I can only speak on behalf of myself.

if it comes, it will. .

but, if that is not the case. .

then, the answer is simple (what do you do?): live. 

there is meaning in the blog post, everywhere. . deep, thoughtful ideas that can change the way you think. . 

granted, if you are looking for that. . 

otherwise, these are just hollow words and nothing but a boy writing, once again. . 

instead of going into further detail of my feelings towards these events, please listen to attached link . . that's where those answers lie. 

Take me to Tokyo, Japan! (Pt.1)

I'm writing this blog entry nearly half a year later since this trip, and I truly do apologize for taking so long to publish this blog entry. 

Fortunately, I can recall everything and this actually is going to be nice, considering I can't remember all the photos that I took during this trip. 

It was a very long flight from California to Narita Airport, Japan. . 

There was one layover in Taiwan (Taoyuan airport) which was very nice and just a huge change from the usual airports I've been in. 

This was my first time flying solo, and I actually managed to get through it all successfully, though I have to admit it's quite intimidating if you're flying for a total of 15+ hours. 

Eventually, I met up with my friend who was waiting for me right outside my exit from the Taiwan to Narita Airport flight w/ China Airlines. 

I actually didn't even notice my friend for a moment, everything certainly felt so surreal since I noticed Japanese text everywhere, as if Japantown in San Francisco was just a small little corner compared to the airport. 

We took a bus last minute and ended up at a hotel somewhere in Ikebukuro, and then we began our journey. 

At first, I couldn't grasp my Japanese to save my life since it was just quite a dramatic change of scenery, there was big buildings but there wasn't much lights and colors that the photos online show of Tokyo. Mind you, it was around 16:00 at the time of our arrival, and we had no idea where we really were. At this point my friend asked me to speak with the hotel employees, and I couldn't quite grasp any form of proficient speaking since it was just hitting me all at once. The people in Japan naturally speak Japanese as their native language, but it's almost as if I had ventured into another dimension in which the English that I always grew up listening to was nonexistent. 

The employees were very kind and gave us a map and directions on how to get to our Airbnb, and so we began our journey forward. Out of the hotel, we came into the main street and I began to notice just how different everything was from my home in America. The vibe was unbelievably safe and refreshing, I noticed the blue sky and the wind that began to slowly build. It was a subtle breeze, and I noticed a few people on their bike too, most of which had these helpful baskets on the front. 

We arrived at another hotel about 20 minutes walking towards our destination that really didn't make sense, as the map was just very unique and neither of us could grasp where to go. The road itself isn't like my neighborhood back at home, and neither are the streets and all the turns you can make. It's hard to explain, though if you've been to Ikebukuro, it'll make much more sense. 

This hotel we ran into lead us asking question to three ladies at this reception counter, though in America we usually see them on the side, they were located in the center of that 1st floor. I hadn't completely lost my nervousness until the end of that day, so I couldn't quite grasp the words to explain that we were lost. At any rate, I made it clear that we were desperately asking for help to a particular location, and what happened next truly shocked me. 

All three girls decided to help us out, despite the fact that they knew we weren't paying guests at this hotel. The first girl picked up the phone to further inspect the area and directions towards this Airbnb location, as it was not a hotel/apartment/etc, to this day I don't really know what to call it besides a shared residency with many individuals living on multiple floors of the same building. The second girl pulled out our map and opened it up while circling and writing further directions, and finally the third girl was looking up a way to find that location through the internet. 

They helped us out efficiently and quickly, and they were all very kind about it, and so forth we continued. Around 17:50 or so, we ended up in what is considered the big lights and buildings that foreigners are familiar with Tokyo being. We had still been carrying our luggage and since the wind became much weaker and the heat continued to build, amidst so many people we stopped to take a break. 

This male in his mid 20's came up to me with his phone among the giant crowd of people going to all their designated destinations, he held up his phone sideways and it it was a blue screen with white text saying, "Do you need any help?" 

I noticed this was Google Translate, and immediately I looked up and saw this guy with a button up and dress pants who was smiling. It all occurred to me that this guy was just going somewhere (likely getting off of work) and just noticed that we looked like lost foreigners carrying all our luggage. My Japanese still couldn't come out properly, but I just mentioned key words to carry on our conversation, and so forth he waved us to follow him towards our designation. A long story short, I talked to him and followed him for about 20 minutes since he was very familiar with this massive area, I gave him the basic information about myself and the purpose of our visit. He talked to me in some English too, though he said there wasn't much he knew, I still happily acknowledged and thanked him for doing so. He told me of his favorite Ramen shop since we had both discussed our favorite meals, and it was coincidentally next to our destination. At any rate, he kept a nice smile the whole time and was nothing more than extremely helpful and kind. My friend and I both offered to pay for his dinner since it was around 18:45 at that point. He apologized and said that he couldn't accept that offer since he was off somewhere else, and I thanked him in the most humble and gracious manner that I possibly could in Japanese. Of course, he declined the amount of gratitude I showed and said it was nothing at all, wishing us the best there forward. 

To this day, I cannot believe what had transpired and the people that I came across since the moment I landed in Tokyo, by far the nicest people I've met in such a long time. 

I also cannot believe that this guy (oops, I forgot to mention the end, we both exchanged our names), though I realized moments after that I didn't know how to spell or properly pronounce his name.

I heard the following: Kinishi, but then I figured. . Wait, was it Kenichi? Kenishi? At any rate, it was one of those since he made that very clear. 

We didn't end up running back into him, but if by chance he ever somehow reads this or I came across him in Japan again, seriously. . Thank you very much. 

Though I found what happened next to be too unbearable to realize, we checked in and the ladies working didn't see our names in the system. And so forth I asked my friend if she was sure that it was Sakura Hotel, and then she showed me the message the Airbnb host sent us. And well, it was near Sakura Hotel. . But, it was not in fact this location or a hotel for the matter.

From there, I spoke to some strangers as my Japanese came back and we eventually found our temporary residence around 20:00. 

And so forth, I've taken many photos below of the following days that came forth throughout our time in Japan. 

day 2 essentials (the first day we spent all day finding the location, so that didn't really count but yeah .  .)
A'PIEU x Crayon Shin Chan Morning/Night Gel cream, Pikachu socks my friend got me (lol), Yakisoba that I was never able to afford back in the states because the import price makes it so ridiculously pricy, and of course some Peach beer, haha. 

My view for the first week coming out of the Airbnb, seriously. . As I'm typing this, I don't think anyone can imagine how much I miss waking up to this. Additionally, there was over about 15 vending machines in just that corner around our Airbnb, which was always more than helpful. 

Peach water. . my, oh my. .
Honestly, a basic drink though it is just so refreshing, considering it was in mid-August. 

Literally a walk down the street from the Ikebukuro station which is right outside our Airbnb, somebody just made this design on the wall I was passing by. 

The pet shop, mind you, we didn't have a particular destination considering this was day 2. . I just wanted to explore the neighborhood, there was actually cute animals inside too.

what? Did you think that I was going to tell you there was cute animals without showing you?
Just look at them. . seriously, I was missing Han (my cat/son) back home, haha. 

My friend wanted to glam up and wear some nice shoes she bought from South Korea, but then her foot started bleeding from blisters, not even 5 minutes after we left the pet store lol. And so I called a taxi over for her, and yes. . Expensive, though they're really nice and all except 2 of the 250+ taxi drivers we had during this trip were kind, helpful and just overall friendly people.
I looked up a local mall so that my friend could get flip flops, and so we ended up at a Starbucks right after. .

My drink was the Crushed Orange frappe if I recall correctly, and wow. .
I was actually feeling bad for the American Starbucks because that just blew away all the drinks I've had from them. My friend got the Passion Fruit Frappe which I had a sip of before she did, and it was really tasty too. 

Ao no Exorcist promo. . Nice to see, love the anime and actually as of the time this blog entry is published. . I heard there's a new season out? Also it says "Center Elevator" with a map below it. 

Our first actual meal at a Restaurant, though it was on the upper floor of the mall. . I couldn't make up my mind on what to order, everything looked so good on the menu.

This was my meal. .

Yes, it was. . very, delicious.

My friend got this, which she said wasn't bad, though I don't know if she was in love with it. 

Morning essential from the vending machine outside, if you can't read it, no worries. . it says: Strawberry Milk

From what I remember, it was very tasty too and the "aesthetic" design. . just, so nice.

Akihabara, a random shop, haha. 

Durarara!! x2 promotion. . I still haven't watched it, though I'm going to start immediately since I love this anime from the first season. 

Kuroko no Basuke 3. . oh, I should of tried my luck to get an Akashi keychain, though my chances seemed so low.

Animate & D-Gray Man promotion! This was somewhat near to Sunshine City Mall, from what I can recall.

Also, I watched and (shockingly, since I never read manga) read the manga back in High School during my lunch, haha. 

Sunshine City Mall, drinks inside of a convenience mart inside, so nice. . But, i came there for the Pokemon store. 

The unique ice cream flavors, exclusively for Japan. . I mean, that's everything. 

luv chia seed, still surprised that I didn't buy the drink since I was already carrying quite a bit.

Inside the mall, I'm not sure what on earth this is . . who is this?? terrifying, seriously. 

Kirby & variety of items, quite nice but this wasn't what I wanted to spend all my money on. 

Pastel, see through bag. . Well, kind of pastel. . I figured a lot of people would want to see this though.

Le Petit Prince tote bag, honestly. . Should of got it, haha.

I'm a big fan of the story, seriously. 

the hero has come to save us all. .
the child there looked so shocked and happy, ah. . youth, something that I feel is slowly escaping me as I age. 

I was hyperventilating haha, I knew this floor would be the one that I could find the Pokemon Center in.

I'm so close. . seriously, I can't even . . I believe at this point, I ran inside haha. 

oh goodness, since I forgot what photos I had taken. . I completely forgot about this, it was a night that we didn't want to get out of bed. .

Korean food we ordered, oh my. . it was. . so. .

I'm just going to say that I didn't finish it, I don't even understand that it was. . My friend completely threw it away too. That was perhaps the only bad meal of this trip, though there was one more at a Lucky's restaurant near Osaka. 

Ah. . this was the walkway "underground" towards the other city, near our Airbnb. 

neko korilakkuma. . 

Inside the first floor of Tower Record, only a minute or two from our Airbnb. If you're near by, check it out, lots of floors with a variety of shops.
Address: Japan, 〒170-0013 Tokyo, Toshima, Higashiikebukuro, 1 Chome−50−35, 池袋p'パルコ 5f / 6f パルコP' 池袋店 別館

Into the night life. . This actually looked quite terrifying, but I figured it was worth sharing. 

Ah, surprisingly one of my favorite meals during my entire trip to Japan. .
Located inside of the Ikebukuro station, inside of the small food court, this is not a part of all the restaurants on the upper floors. 

Just a fraction of the lights you'll see at night, it really is quite a sight. 

Ridicule Hair Salon, quite an extraordinary visit and my first time at a salon in Japan.
For my full 5-star review experience, click here to access their Yelp page where my review is open to the public. It'll be open to the public until the day that I delete my Yelp account, so that should give everyone some time. 

ridicule hair salon

ridicule

ridicule hair salon

ridicule

ridicule hair salon

ridicule

ridicule hair salon

ridicule

ridicule hair salon featuring their products used in the salon, John Masters Organic hair care.

ridicule

ridicule hair salon

ridicule

ridicule hair salon

ridicule

ridicule hair salon

ridicule

ridicule hair salon

ridicule

ridicule hair salon

ridicule

ridicule hair salon

ridicule

ridicule hair salon

bape kids, love the neon lighting

harajuku, sadly my visit here was only once and so short lived since some things came up, hopefully go back one day soon!

harajuku street art (Graffiti) is quite different, strangely not intimidating 

drinks, anyone?

harajuku lifestyle

where does this graffiti come from? such an unground vibe here, seriously. . so cool. 

inside harajuku and outside the underground, crepes. . anyone?

what is that. . ?

ah, line friends store!
first time ever visiting a line friends store, super surreal and quite a nice look inside.

nice photos taken in here w/ my polaroid, haha.

neck pillows, pillows, plush line characters? 

assortment of items, nice. 

downstairs of line store in Harajuku. .

just an ordinary photo, haha.

life size line characters, ooooh. 

stationary items/mugs

mall in Harajuku, though this is when all the shops were closed. . looks surreal, doesn't it?

up close & personal

my favorite, totoro

do you see @mei? me too

Have you noticed a pattern already?

kiki x totoro

looks like a botanical garden, don't you think?

ghibli store, haha. 

I happened to love all of this in person, seriously. 

it never stops, so many items in such a fairly small space. .

vintage feel, seriously.

cosmetic shopping, to be completely honest that was where I spent the most money next to the Pokemon Center.

Honestly, I didn't really know what this was. . but, the text reminded me of pac-man. 

san-x in the house

little twin stars x maybelline 

I actually used this for a thumbnail photo on one of my YouTube videos, lol.e

did you think that I wouldn't take photos inside?
take a look, haha. 

so packed. . couldn't move, but glad that I'm actually fairly, somewhat tall in Japan.

Pokemon never dies, seriously. 

which one to choose?

I bought the Ditto and started screaming internally when I saw it, but I should of got the Pikachu too.

mini games for the children, looks like the adults really want to play but can't openly express it. . haha. 

on the way to the Pokemon Center. .

mini games for the children, honestly I would of been playing if it wasn't so packed. 

mega tokyo center, I'll see you again. . one day.

shockingly, never watched One Piece, but I figured others would want to see this. 

oh?

Pokemon, everywhere. 

on my way back to the airbnb

night life, missing you, Tokyo. 

That's about it for all my photos in Toshima, Ikebukuro, Japan.

There's also photos from Shibuya and Harajuku, and honestly. . I certainly didn't visit enough during my week there.

I've got to go back eventually, there's definitely too much that I miss about Tokyo.

Since the day that I left Osaka and flew back home, I hadn't stopped thinking about my time here for a single day.

I noticed that when I got back too, I had dreams nearly everyday for a month or two, and then dreams on and off more than ever in my lifetime.

If you haven't read my latest blog entry before this, I talked about this current spring semester and went in detail about my plans for the remainder of this year.

As for my time in Osaka, I will be creating another blog entry that will be separate from this one. Once I publish that blog entry, I will update this blog entry with a direct link to it.

In the meantime, have you visited my 2nd blog?

For those who don't know, this main blog took off originally, though my 2nd blog is quickly building and will surpass the amount of visitors this blog has garnered.

My 2nd blog is korean/japanese cosmetic product reviews, please click here if you would like to visit it.

Hope you all enjoyed this, I felt this trip was an absolute childhood dream come true and that taking photos would be essential so I could share some moments with you all.