I can't believe it, I still don't want to in the slightest.
I didn't know how to feel hearing news about this around 3:30 AM when my friend in Seoul sent me a message about your passing.
I denied it, immediately. .
No.
No.
No. .
That's impossible.
But, my dear friend insisted that it was true. .
Though tired at first, upon reading that message I felt more energy flow through me then anything I've ever experienced.
A surge that allowed me to quickly close the message chat, check online and all those k-articles on my news feed.
"Police have discovered Jonghyun. ."
impossible.
impossible.
that can't be true, no. .
I messaged my friend back and disbelief and noticed so many comments of people saying "this is fake, it is not true. ."
I laid there on my bed and prayed for your passing and loved ones, I couldn't believe it and yet there I was with my heart pouring out of me.
For the first time in perhaps more than a decade, I felt something drip from both of my eyes.
I told my friend that I should rest and just try to hope for the best, perhaps by some chance. . By a miracle, you would be fine? (At this point I acknowledged what happened, but just wished with all my being that he was still here with us all.)
My phone died and I woke up looking for a charger immediately, going to check my news feed and seeing a mass of articles about you.
Everything happened at that moment, I read every article there is and just kept going, even re-reading some areas.
I was quiet on the couch, huddled in a blanket and couldn't help but not make a move, I felt like for various moments that I had forgotten to even breathe.
I was sad a majority of this time, telling my friend about how I was so sad and that I wish their was something I could of done for you.
That I owed you, for being there for me during dark times, but that I cannot fulfill that wish to thank you in person anymore.
I am not famous (obviously) and to this moment, I'm not sure how I would of made that happen. . But, I knew that I would make it happen regardless.
A proper thanks, that's all I wanted to say to you, at the very least.
A mixture of sadness and anger just swooned over me, but a very silent anger at that.
I hadn't felt these things in a very, very long time. . They had become foreign to me and with these type of feelings resurfacing all at once, as well being numb the whole time. .
I couldn't understand what was going on, I felt like ripping my skin from the inside-out.
The sadness of course came from mourning, and the fact that you weren't made aware of your talent properly and your selflessness.
The anger was strange, I don't know what exactly there was to be mad at, certainly not at you.
Myself? The world? etc, etc.
I spoke to someone on the phone after receiving a call and I couldn't help but find myself gasping for air, I couldn't even speak.
Tears fell uncontrollably, it all hit me at once and I had to let it out.
My friend overseas was worried and calmed me down, reminded me to breathe a bit and just relax.
It wasn't that I was acting out, I was very quiet but my mind felt so heavy. .
This is my dilemma, from human-to-human, I have the highest respect for you and have always looked up to you since I started listening to SHINee in middle school. You helped me through so much, I bought your 1st album and put the poster on my wall. .
I can't continue to write this, as I'm watching fans all over reacting on YouTube and various videos.
I am sorry, I will wrap up my thoughts without dragging this out.
thank you so, so much Jonghyun.
for everything, may your selflessness and talent be remembered forever.
You will always be my role model, always.
- - - - - - -
I believe this experience has opened my eyes to many, many things. .
And for that, I am in a debt far greater than I ever imagined to you.
I hope you know this or that one day I can tell you this face-to-face.
